HAWMC Day 12 - Free Write

So today’s task for HAWMC is to free write and see where it takes you. I’ve put this on hold all day because I don’t want to write a negative post but that’s the mindset I’m in right now. I’m frustrated, I’m angry, and I just want to give up.

For once, this feeling has nothing to do with diabetes.

I’m tired of thinking I have (offline) friends just to get deserted and screwed over in the end. I’m tired of going to school every day to be part of a program I hate in the hopes that once I get to my concentration I’ll like what I’m doing. I hate that I hate the program that took me away from my family and moved me even farther away from my boyfriend. I’m sick of having a scholarship hanging over my head. When classmates are laughing off missteps here and there, every misstep I take is accompanied by the internal monologue of “you’re gonna lose your scholarship.” And the pressure of that inevitably leads to another misstep no matter how much work I put in towards staying the course and keeping my grades up.

I’m tired of somehow always managing to be the subject of gossip. I’ve tried to be a little more outgoing – less introverted and less of a target – since starting this program and it’s not working. It takes all of my energy just to engage in conversations with people when I just want to go to class, get my work done, and get home to study. This makes my parents think I’m agoraphobic. I just think I’m allergic to bullshit and pettiness. I hate that I’m in grad school and it still just feels like high school bullshit day after day. I hate that because it’s grad school, I have to work closely with these people and more often than not my grades depend on the work of others because grad school programs are HUGE fans of group projects. It's really hard to work like that when you don't trust a single one of them. I’d rather be in high school – at least then the bills weren’t my responsibility, my work wasn’t reliant upon anyone else, and the assholes, gossips, and traitors were easier to spot.

I’m tired of being around future medical professionals who look at me blankly when I tell them my blood sugar is low and I ask (politely) that they keep their voices down because my head is killing me. I’m tired of future medical professionals saying I’m being rude or condescending when, after not making any efforts to lower their voices while I fight the hanglowover, I ask again that they keep it down. I’m tired of future medical professionals not wanting to have any idea of what a blood sugar feels like and what treating one entails. I’m sick of them thinking that as soon as I have my glucose tabs I magically feel better. I’m tired of being asked if I can “take that thing off” and “put it back on later” when my dexcom sensor is in the way of an exam we’re practicing. This shit is held on with adhesive and opsite flexifix – does it LOOK like something I can just take on and off and reuse?

So I’ll say it. I’m miserable. I hate it here. The only time I’ve been happy here since I moved is when my love is here. And I just wanna go home. But I can’t go home, because I have 2 more years of this crap. With the same people who know exactly where I am when they need help with something but will back out when I need them. The same people who are only out for themselves and will stop at nothing to mess someone else up if it means they’ll make themselves look better and move further ahead in the class. I don’t know what I expected school to be like but this isn’t it. I expected it to be hard. I expected to be with adults who can conduct themselves in a professional manner.

So I’m stuck. I either finish school or go work at Wal-Mart… which doesn’t sound too bad when you consider the fact that Wally World has WAY better health insurance options than school.